Uprooted: The Hidden Struggles of Expat Life

Having lived in a foreign country and made a major move between two cities in South Africa in the past decade, I know how disruptive these experiences can be. Questions about our identities, emotional landscapes, and psychological resilience inevitably arise – and finding answers to these can prove complicated. Here, I explore some of the common themes that emerge for expats, which point to the complexity of this unique, yet increasingly common, experience.

Moving to a new country can be exciting. People choose to leave their home countries for a variety of reasons – better career opportunities, a safer living environment, or simply the pursuit of adventure. Initially, the novelty of new cultures, exotic food, and unfamiliar environments can be thrilling. However, there are other, more challenging experiences that also form a significant part of expat life.

Some people relocate to be closer to family and friends, while others move away from all the social support structures they had in their home countries. In the first instance, being reunited with estranged loved ones can sometimes highlight the ways you've grown apart since you were last together – emphasising who and what you’ve left behind in order to reconnect with people you may now feel slightly estranged from.

In the second instance, moving away from family and friends to a brand new country can create feelings of extreme loneliness and isolation. These feelings can be further complicated if you’re perceived to be “the lucky one” – the one who got out of a bad situation, or who moved to a land of better opportunities. This pressure to thrive – whether external or internalised – can lead to guilt or feelings of inadequacy for experiencing what are, in fact, very natural emotional and psychological struggles when adjusting to so many new experiences.

I often think of a tree, uprooted and replanted. The shock of upheaval often causes it to lose its leaves, and it takes time for the tree to adjust and flourish again. Often, it’s a case of surviving before thriving – and that’s when the tree is replanted in the same garden, not moved to another suburb, town, or (gasp) another country. Yet we often believe that humans should be able to manage major international moves with ease – as though, because our roots are in our hearts and minds, there should be no upheaval or shock to the system. That we should be able to reason ourselves into blossoming.

But the truth is, the entire ecosystem affects the tree’s progress: the soil, the drainage, the sunlight, receiving enough water – and the gardener being patient, trusting that the tree doesn’t need to be pulled up again just because it hasn’t blossomed yet. It isn’t dead; it’s in shock.

Building community, deep connections, and trusting relationships in a new place takes time – often more time than we realise. In our home countries, we likely didn’t recognise how long it took for deep friendships to form, or how much those seemingly “instant” connections were supported by shared cultural norms and mutual understandings.

Additionally, both building new relationships in a brand-new place and maintaining important existing ones can challenge your sense of belonging and identity. You’re not yet fully rooted in this new place or the person you are becoming – but you are also no longer the person you were in your home country. This can be a confusing and alienating experience. Even as you reach out for connection, it can paradoxically reinforce isolation and the difficult feelings that accompany it.

This process of survival during the first few years after relocation can be stressful and overwhelming. From trying to navigate your own confusing emotions, to developing and maintaining relationships, to learning an entirely new set of cultural norms, social cues, and work dynamics – adjusting to this new life demands a huge amount of emotional and social energy. On top of that, there's the grief of having left behind relationships, meaningful places, and the rhythms you developed – unique to a particular location (perhaps without even realising it). What’s more, the background hum of the administrative stress of settling into a new place – from visas, to job hunting, to finding stable accommodation – makes expat life a heady mix of adventure and challenge.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. That uprooted tree got uprooted for a reason: perhaps it was outgrowing its pot, or it was planted somewhere with too much, or too little, sun. Maybe the other plants around it were stifling its growth. Whatever the case, sometimes a big move is exactly what’s needed – even if, during the survival phase, that isn’t always self-evident.

If you’re an expat struggling in spite of your best efforts to adjust to a new country, firstly, be kind to yourself – it’s a big, complex undertaking. Secondly, don’t try to do it alone: reach out for support. If your familiar support structures are making you feel more overwhelmed (even if you’re unsure why), consider speaking with a therapist to help you make sense of your experience. Lastly, it can be incredibly helpful to connect with others who are going through similar experiences.

So, if you are an expat experiencing some of these struggles, why not sign up to join our next expat support group by sign up here.